(Disclaimer: Hate to be the token gal on this blog (and yet I kinda like it) and I really was gonna wait to go all Women’s Rights on your asses for at least a couple more weeks, but the world has spoken. So let’s be real for a minute or two. Pardon how fired up this gets me)

Que pasó  esta semana? Super Tuesday, super boring. Kony 2012 goes viralicious, but I’m still trying to educate myself on the matter, what with all the criticism, so that’s out. Snooki’s pregnant, ugh. Something about a solar storm. Newt fell asleep (really, Newt?). And we “celebrated” International Women’s Day amidst what has recently become a War On Women.

Don’t roll your eyes at me.

First off, I hadn’t even heard of International Women’s Day until I saw some arbitrary facebook posts yesterday morning. Outside of that, I saw no evidence of women being celebrated, though I’m sure there were some fancy banquets in fancy function halls in all the major cities.

Frankly, I’m shocked Hallmark didn’t jump on it. Or 1 800 FLOWERS. Or Hersheys. You know, Valentine’s Day Remix style. Seems like a great opportunity for sappy boyfriends to…be sappy. Or maybe they knew it wouldn’t take off the way Sweethearts Day didn’t take off. (Thank God).

Instead of celebrating women (I’m really not asking for a holiday here), the Grand Ol’ Party has thrown shackles on our bodies and autonomy. Now, if you want an abortion (can I use the word need? Because some women NEED an abortion) in the state of Virginia, Ohio, Texas, and others,  you have to have an ultrasound first. Let’s unpack this. A mandatory ultrasound? What The Man is trying to do here is tug at our fragile female heart strings, so that desperate women are forced to see the beating heart of their unborn child in an effort to catalyze an “OKAY! That’s it! I can’t do it!” In other words, manipulation.

In the state of Arizona, a bill was passed wherein doctors were given the go-ahead to withhold information from pregnant patients regarding prenatal defects if they think it will lead the woman to abort.

And Rush Limbaugh called a woman a slut AND a prostitute for requesting the insurance she pays for at Georgetown Law, which you can believe she is paying upwards of $40,000 a year to attend, to cover prescription contraception. So now, if you’re on birth control (and please note, GU doesn’t even have condoms available on campus) you’re a slut. And you get paid for sex. And you probably have sex tapes. And Rush Limbaugh wants to see them. And Rush Limbaugh will probably get off watching them. Which just adds obscene insult to injury.

And Planned Parenthood is losing funding left and right. An organization that conducts, among other things, breast exams.

And Republicans are trying their darndest to limit government funding for abortions by redefining rape, ie: unless the woman could not escape with “utmost resistance” then said forcible rape (undefined by federal criminal code) will begrudginingly merit federal funding.

Oh, and let us not forget,  it’s men making all these decisions. In fact, at the most recent Congressional hearing on contraception, women weren’t even allowed to testify.

I’m sorry (no I’m not) but what the fuck? How is this any less offensive than the idea of a group of white people deciding whether or not black people should have access to health care? What century is this? When will people stop believing sex is dirty? When did my health and sexual tendencies become a political issue? What happened to education reform? The war in Iran? The still drowning economy? The 99%? There are over 200,000 child soldiers in Africa! Didn’t you see the Kony2012 video?!

Guys, you gotta give it up. People are gonna have sex. Abstinence is not gonna hold with folks. And that’s okay. I’ll even go so far as to say that’s good. Your efforts to make me wear a chastity belt are moot. STOP. I enjoy sex. And I’m going to keep having it. With people I trust. But I’m not ready for a kid. So I use birth control. And I don’t want an STI. So I use condoms too. And thank God I can afford it. Because if I couldn’t, my primal urges would still get the best of me, and I might wind up pregnant. And if I did, and I were still 23 with nowhere near the financial strength to support a child, nor the mental maturity, I would have an abortion. And wait until I was ready to have children. Which I plan on doing. And that kid, or those kids, will be much better off. AND SOMETIMES PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES. Like your wives did in marrying you. You don’t want to pay for women’s abortions, many of them low-income, but you don’t want to pay for their children either. What gives?

And what about those women out there with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome? Who need birth control simply to regulate their hormones to prevent the onset of more cysts and potential cancer? Are you pro-ovarian cysts? Do you like cancer? No. You had no idea about that. Because you’re uneducated on the subject and completely removed from the issue.

Get your penis off my Constitution. Please.

-Cassiel Archdeacon