Old Man Strength

Old man strength.  It’s a scientific term given to men of a certain age who possess unique abilities to box out a high school kid of any size in basketball, throw anyone under the age of 12 across a room and lift trees and rocks of all sizes while lesser men get tired and stop.

But when do men get this seemingly superhuman strength?  It’s something I’ve pondered for at least the last 24 hours.

Contrary to all rational thought, I constantly hear those with old man strength referring to their younger days as the prime of their lives.  They’ll say, “when I was your age I could lift a horse, but not anymore…” They’ll recount tales of walking to school uphill both ways.  They’ll complain that they have lost a step and can’t hoop like they used to.

But then comes that magical old man moment.  The moment when you’re workin’ in the trenches, posting ‘em up, about to smash a dunk in their face, and it happens: old man strength kicks in and they push you away as though you weighed 80 lbs.

Old man strength applies to more than just basketball.  Ever try to help one of these dudes clear a field of brush, or cut down some trees?  They may complain about bad backs and having to crush a bottle of Bayer when they get home, but don’t believe this for one second: these old men are swindlers.  They’ll work circles around you and make you want to trade in your young, fit, six-packed-ab body in for a beer gut and a moustache in no time.

They want you to believe you have a step on them; more strength than them.  All lies.  It’s all a ploy to get us young folk to ease off the gas pedal.  They’ll wait patiently for that precise moment and then expose your weakness.  You’ll feel inadequate next to their godlike capabilities!

I write this, patiently waiting for my old man strength to kick in.  But when will it come!?  I have a garden to plant soon, and there’s a whole mess-a stuff to clear out before that can happen.  Where’s my dad when I need him?  I do have his genes, don’t I?  I’ll find the old man strength buried deep in my loins at some point.  Just hope its soon.

-John Officer