TGIF

As I watched Obama’s charming appearance on Jimmy Fallon this week, slow jamming the news and publicizing his humane efforts to thwart student loans, I thought to myself ‘what kind of criticism could Barack possibly get for this?’ Then Fox News reminded me. God forbid the leader of the free world appeal to his own popular culture.

The new trendy teenage drunk is off…hand sanitizers? What happened to stealing mom and dad’s triple sec not realizing it’s only 40 proof and getting a placebo drunk or mixing it ever so stealthily with their Ketel 1 and Cointreau? Much safer.

Caps beat the Bruins. I support the Bruins, and all Boston teams, but realize that we are the most obnoxious breed of sports fans on the planet. This is one of the main reasons I hesitate to think I could ever actually live in Boston. However, obnoxious is one thing. Blatantly racist is another. That’s not okay, and only validates our already terrible reputation as the segregated, predominantly white and upperclass Northeast.

Has anyone else noticed a heightened attention on Prom this year?

Mad cow disease back for the attack. Earth day. 4/20.

And activists will stop at nothing to destroy Bank of America.

Rightfully so. I hate big business as much as the next guy. Probably moreso. But sometimes I give up on statement making, and planet saving, for mere convenience. That’s why I’m a Bank of America user. Client. Patron. Whatever.

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I’m not proud of it! I grew up on credit unions! My dad drops an Evil Bank of America quip every time I talk to him.

But: when my identity was stolen back in 2010 and my accounts entirely depleted without ever losing my card, BOA reimbursed me for everything. On the sole faith that I was a good little white girl who got played like a fiddle. Like the fool that I was. Am. And on the 15th of every month they move $25 from my checking to my savings. Just, ya know, for good measure. And when my wallet got stolen just a couple months ago they called me right away (like they did the last time) to be like ‘Yo, some sheisty stuff is going down. We’re just gonna go ahead and cancel your card, confident that these are not your typical spending patterns.’ (not verbatim).

This is not in defense of Bank of America. This is in Yikes! They’re damn good at fooling me into thinking they’re a good organization with my best interests in mind. I know that they’re not. I know that they are the epitome of evil big business, using me as a pawn in their master plan to make the rich richer and the poor poorer. Heck, they almost charged us monthly for having a checking account.

But then they pulled out! Responding quickly to the backlash! Apologizing for their lapse in judgment!

They have ATMs everywhere. And for someone who gets paid primarily in cash and in turn makes frequent deposits, that’s important to me. I don’t like walking around with wads of cash.

So what’s it gonna take for me to bite the bullet? Cancel my evil accounts with evil Bank of America? Go for the much more agreeable and respectable credit union route, or even just a lesser evil in the bank world, maybe PNC? Wells Fargo? Be the conscious liberal I purport to be?

This is the problem with American Capitalism. This is why we’re fat off McDonald’s. This is why it’s so hard to be a successful entrepreneur. This is why you can make a killing in the pharmaceutical industry. We feel more comfortable with recognizable names, wary of the just-as-good, same-exact-thing generic brands. Easier. Faster. Safer. Verifiable. More experienced. Sneakier. Smarter. Richer. Eviler.

So that’s it! I’m getting a new bank. Well, I’m gonna research to see what the best bank is. For me. And my banking needs. I’m gonna at least add it to my list of things to do. But first I need to get those sweaters to the dry cleaner…and get my driver’s license replaced from that time I got my wallet stolen…and call my grandmother…and…DAMNIT!

-Cassiel Archdeacon

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3 thoughts on “TGIF

  1. Boston, you are killing me! I’m trying to turn that image around in Pittsburgh, but we keep digging our own graves. Idiots. Also, try PNC: personal Wallet, its awesome. Good Post Sass.

  2. I agree Steve. Boston is killing us. Our reputation was already bad but this is tragic. Make sure you read Tuesdays Snooze post. I’m filling in for Rob and am addressing this issue.

    And Cassiel, you gotta go with TD Bank. They are easily the best. Open 7 days a week and great customer service.

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