Friday May 25, Third week of May 2012. Woah.
Kentucky Derby: one of those things that I didn’t know was going on until it was going on. Apparently the case surrounding the first boy on a milk carton, which isn’t even a thing anymore, has had some…developments. Bill Clinton takes pic with porn stars. I think that’s fine. Lots of talk about American Idol, but I’m not exactly sure what about, because I don’t care at all. But I do care that Kristen Wiig is leaving SNL. I think I’m in love with her, I think she’s my American Idol, and I think the world is about to be a darker place without her on network television. But obviously she’s just going to start doing other cooler, bigger, funnier things, so we digress.
And summer dress season has begun.
I like dresses, and clothes, and shoes, and earrings, and shopping. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. And I don’t think me pretending like I don’t give a shit about these materialistic feminine obsessions would make me hotter. I like putting outfits together. When (some) girls get bored, they try on everything in their wardrobe and dance around to Beyonce in front of the mirror. THIS IS NORMAL. I DO THIS.
But lately, when I’m out either shopping for summer dresses, or observing the monsoon of them that wash over the city, I become disillusioned by the summer dress. We’re all just wearing summer dresses. We all look the same. Yours might be blue with cap sleeves, flowers, and an A-line (I know these terms because I’m interested in them) while hers is a yellow maxi halter, and mine is red with a sweetheart top and ties in the back, but ultimately we’re just a bunch of girls wearing summer dresses, and they’re all the same. None of us stand out. Did anyone notice my brand-new summer dress? No. Every girl in America is wearing one.
At my place of work, girls come in with their summer dresses and their high heels that they can’t even walk in (Don’t wear them if you can’t walk in them! You look like an idiot teetering around! Not sexy!) and they just stand around posing and taking pictures of each other and asking men to take pictures of them drinking lemontinis. To…showcase their summer dress and matching heels? And their social life, as being filled with girls just like them? STOP. YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME.
I hate when girls say they hate girls. Someone said it to me just the other day. Some tough chick. What is that? A pick-up line? I infer that to mean you relish being “just one of the guys” because you get all the attention, and you purport to be above the catty shit and the drama and the clothes. You’re way cooler and better because of that, and for that reason you think/hope guys will like you more, think you’re different, and be more attracted to you because you’re not like the other girls. But you’re putting on a front, and you’ve never known what it’s like to have real girlfriends. And you’re missing out.
Because my girlfriends and I don’t go out to take pictures of each other, and drink lemontinis. We might end up taking a picture or two (or three or four, but that’s when I start to get uncomfortable) while out drinking gin and tonics, but we’re out to mingle and converse with strangers, and each other, about real shit, and silly shit too, and dance, which we know how to do, and have new experiences and see new things, and yes, get attention, and be weird, and giggle and flirt, and we just happen to look good while doing it. That’s secondary. But yes, very much part of it.
We don’t steal each other’s boyfriends. Sometimes yeah we cry in front of each other, but not exclusively over boys who don’t text us back. And when someone bumps into us, we do not fume and throw the stink eye around.
I want to regain my faith in the summer dress, but you ladies are making it difficult. Dance in your summer dress, by all means, make a summer salad in your summer dress, but for the love of God stop getting wasted and sitting with your legs wide open! And stand up straight. Your hunch is so unbecoming and takes away from your pretty summer dress, which I haven’t seen before, you must not have gotten it from H&M or Forever 21! How evolved!
There’s a time and a place to have a sing-a-long with your girlfriends while wearing summer dresses, getting summer drunk, and listening to top 40 or early 90s pop music, but it’s not EVERY night at EVERY lame bar you go to in DuPont Circle. You’re giving us all a bad name, and mostly just hurting your own chances of getting a date with someone who isn’t drunk and singing along to Sugar Ray.
Do you not see this as a problem?
If not, good for you. You will forever be charmed by the inbreeds who wear the equivalent of the summer dress: the bright polo. Before you know it they all start blending together. And if we want to carry out the human race, someone needs to procreate with these bright polo-wearing goons, because I’m not going to. So thank you for stepping up. I’ll take this picture of you and your 12 friends from so many angles with each of your 12 friend’s cameras. The Facebook peanut gallery is gonna go nuts! “Omg you’re all so gorgeous! “ will echo from the comments. “Soooo pretty” will have a trail of y’s.
Maybe this is just about money. I don’t want to spend money on a dress that everyone else has, or a dress that’s just gonna make me feel like another girl in a dress. But I fear this is more an issue of principle. Can I stand out in an ordinary summer dress? Because if you’re going to be the spokespersons for girls everywhere, I need to stand out.
Stop being so predictable and say something interesting. Because I need a new summer dress.
At least it’s Friday, TG.